:: Diary - September 2014 ::

:: Thursday, September 4, 2014 ::

Agony uncle tvrgit is here to answer your letter that has flooded in. It says:

”Please note that it is now September, the ninth month of the Gregorian calendar. Please update your webshite with something to read, for us people who are too lazy to do our own fettling.

Muchas gracias!

Adrian (aged 13 and 3/4)”

Well Adrian, it’s difficult to find things to write about when you have a car that’s at the peak of mechanical perfection. Or so Dave says. It’s equally difficult when your own is so far gone that you don’t know where to start. So I haven’t.

It’s nearly winter though (you know, that period that ends with a fettling frenzy in the last week of April while you do all the stuff you should have started in November) so I’m expecting to find plenty to do. I’m not going to list them all here because I would use up my webspace and have to pay more for the privilege of hosting your favourite reading material.

I polished the wheels the other week though - not exactly newsworthy because they corrode every time you look at them.

In other news, I used the Porsche in the dark on Monday and discovered that my headlights were stuck on main beam. They went to “dip” if i pulled the indicator stalk back slightly. Or when I indicated to turn right, but not left. A wee googly-woogly when I got home showed that there are a million threads on this very problem, apparently caused by built-in obsolescence after 25 years. Even newer Porsches have the same problem though. I’ve sold a kidney to buy a new indicator stalk, and I’m waiting for it to arrive.

There’s a distinct shortage of decent websites that explain how you change that switch - it’s about time somebody started one. But if you get a grown-up to explain the funny-looking wiring diagram, and look up behind the dash with a torch, and look at the wee picture of the bit you bought, you find that there are 12 wires to the switch. 5 of them are on a multi plug that plugs in up some invisible crevice up behind the dash. The other wires spread out to various individual spade connectors on various components behind the dash, so you have to dismantle half the interior to change that one bleeding switch.

Apparently the problem is caused because the switch carries full headlamp current, and melts (it’s made from the same plastic as the yellow connector in TVR S-Series, obviously). There’s a relay kit available in the USA to bypass that, but it’s not available here - so I’ll have to make one up, so that the new switch lasts a bit longer (although, as long as it lasts longer than me, I shouldn’t give a shit right enough).

So that’s just one wee fun project. Maybe when I’m nearly finished (that is, when the new bits have arrived and are piled on my floor) you would like to call round for 10 minutes to help? I’ll even show you how to hold the screwdriver! Needs to be soon though, because the MOT is due this month and I know you’re not used to last-minute rushing.

:: Thursday, September 4, 2014 Part 2::

I wish I had never started this “reader’s letters” pish. Another letter has come flooding in, my Postman is complaining like fuck (fortunately he only speaks Gaelic though, it’s on their training films, so I can pretend I don’t understand a word he’s saying). Anyway, I’ll come back to that in a minute or twenty - but first the news.

The new headlight flasher / indicator switch arrived today. I have a pile of work to do. Oddly, the pile is exactly the same size 2 hours later, because I left it, to fit the switch. I don’t care, me.

I’m going to write a “how to” for Porky-type owners, but not here, so I won’t bore you with the details - suffice to say that it was fiddlier than a fiddler’s rally at an accountants’ ceilidh. Between footery wee screws and wiring that was basket-woven into the rest of the loom, it was a nightmare, tracing and swapping one wire at a time, then waiting for the frazzle noises when you switch everything on at the end. But no, everything works.

I’ve figured out the bits I need to bypass the switch so that it only carries low current. I need 2 relays, 2 holders, some thick wire, some thin wire, 2 in-line fuses and a selection of terminals. Some shrink-on sleeving would keep it all tidy, although it will all be covered by the carpet in the luggage compartment. Total cost about £37 in Halfords or half that online.

Right - letters. Today’s letter is from Konrad, who writes:

”Dear Agony Uncle Git

Now that you have mastered the intricacies of German beetle electronics (or should that be “zat hew is ein Doktor ze wunderbar Deutschen schmokin vires mit melting lietz und blinding beems – vich vay is Poland?”) and you clearly have time on your hands having polished your wheels for this week, can you please tell me why my air-cooled Fiat 500 is overheating despite the cooling fans working properly (and why do I have to disassemble 90% of the ***** engine using triple jointed arms just to remove one of the *** ducts?) – simple cars – Pah! Mind you, Italian electrics – rock solid.

I trust that you will be able to answer the question before the walls go up on the 18th.

Kind Regards

Konrod

PS I also have a TVR to go with the 500, but that is reliable.........”

Oh dear Konrod, that’s a right poser. Let’s look at this logically though. It’s Italian, right? And it’s a Fiat, right? And who built most of the tanks that Italy used in the Western Desert? Exactly. Now, it’s a well known fact that Italian tanks of that era had one forward gear and 5 reverse gears, to facilitate their most common battle strategy.

It was therefore pretty easy later, to chuck away the armour, turn the seats around so that the engine was at the back and you now had 5 forward gears and one reverse. They called it the Fiat 500.

It seems that they’ve never really cracked the recent change to put the engine in the front.

So I think you have 2 options:

(a) reverse everywhere; or

(b) prop the engine lid open with a stick, like they did with the original Abarths. Not so easy to see where you’re going when the engine is at the front, mind, but might complement plan (a).

I am very much looking forward to the 18th, if only so that I don’t have to listen to any more of the constant slavering drivel from both sides. They are doing my head in, with their joint combination of talking bollocks and evading difficult questions. Both sides. Setting (lack of) personalities aside, though, I feel that we are all just turkeys voting for Christmas - we’re only choosing which kitchen. We’re already plucked.

And on that cheery note…

:: Friday, September 5, 2014 Part 2::

For anybody who is interested, here’s a wee guide on replacing the indicator switch on a Porsche 911. Seeing as nobody else seems to have done one.

Eejit’s guide

I’ve ordered all the bits I need to install headlamp relays - about £24 including postage (from two separate suppliers). I’ve also drawn a wee circuit diagram for myself, while I’ve got my smarter head on - it all turns to soup once I get the bonnet open! I’ll add that to the article after I get it all fitted.

:: Tuesday, September 9, 2014 Part 2::

Just to show that it's not just TVRs that are temperamental bastards, here's another Porsche tale. Its MOT expires on 24 September. I don't like leaving it till last minute, so I went yesterday, and booked it in for Thursday.

When I get home I discover that the near side repeater for the indicator isn't working. Hit it. Still not working. Ok we have to get technical. So I remove the repeater lamp from the wing, and find that the electrical connectors are a solid mass of green rust. With a few sprays of WD40 and electrical contact cleaner, I manage to disconnect the light from the wiring, and then get the caplets bulb out of the holder.

I give the holder terminals a clean up with one of those disposable nail file things, until my meter tells me that I’ve got continuity through the holder itself. The bulb is knacked though - the wee terminals have corroded away.

A wee trip to the shops to buy 2 bulbs (why do they sell them in pairs?). Plug one in, wire up the bulb holder and… nothing!

Remove holder, remove bulb, test everything again - seems ok. Then I test the new bulb - no continuity. Put the other new bulb in, wire it up and it works!

So that’s why they sell them in pairs!

:: Thursday, September 11, 2014 Part 2::

Porsche MOT day today! Hence the panic to sort out headlights / indicators etc. Passed!

Now I can think about rewiring the headlights to incorporate relays - I didn’t want to start faffing about with that so close to MOT time. I’ve got all the bits, I just need to get around to it. Maybe in the spring when it’s lighter nights, eh?

:: Monday, September 22, 2014 ::

It’s a nice day so I decide to fit these headlight relays to the Porsche. Now in a TVR, doing any electrical work around fuseboxes etc involves taking out the passenger footwell cover so that the car’s electrics fall onto the floor like a disembowelled dalek. Then you have to sort through this pile of randomly-coloured electric spaghetti to find the bits you want.

In a Porsche, you open the boot. The only difficult bit about that is remembering that it’s at the front, because the engine is where you normally keep your Jelly Baby supplies. On the nearside bulkhead, there’s a big fusebox about a foot from the battery. Oh, and all the wires are the colour that the manual says they are. Piece of piss. this!

Here’s a handy wiring diagram what I drawed (Autocad skilz or what?) You need 2 decent-amperage relays, a couple of fuse holder, and lots of wires and terminals (note - this is not an exhaustive parts list!). I bought a “click-together” modular relay block so that the relays and fuses are all held together (are you listening, TVR?) and I used properly crimped connectors, uninsulated in the relay blocks, and insulated everywhere else.

What I didn’t do is take too many photos - auto electrics on older cars are pretty simple, but you do have to think what you are doing (well, I do!) so my brain doesn’t have enough processing power to take photos as well.

First I wired up the relay blocks, leaving all the connecting wires as “tails”. I mounted the block to the inner wing, under the fuse box, with velcro - no drilling holes, nice and simple.

With that mounted in place, you disconnect the battery negative, and then disconnect the 2 yellow wires (dip beam) and 2 blue wires (main beam) from the 4 white fuses in Fuse Box 2 (shown in the centre of this pic), and crimp your 2 new yellow wires and 2 new blue wires onto the ends of the disconnected wires. Then you connect the green wire and the black wire into the fusebox terminal that you have just disconnected. There’s a little white wire that goes to the main beam warming lamp (I presume) so be sure to connect that back up to the fuse with the black wire. Be careful to get all of these the right way around, otherwise you’ll end up with main / dip swapped over. Or a big fire.

Then the earth. On the 911, there’s an earth point with a cap-head bolt on the top of the inner wing, beside the top damper mounting. Crimp a round terminal onto the end of the brown wires, and add that to the 3 or 4 earths already under that bolt, and tighten it up.

Time for a wee test, before I connect the main (red) feed. I switch on the lights, and I can hear the relay click. Switch to main beam, I hear 2 clicks (well, one double-click) as dip goes off, and main comes on. I take the relays out one at a time to confirm that it’s them that are clicking (or not, when they’re out!)

Seems ok so far, so last, the live feed. I always do the live last, because then you’re not potentially leaving live terminals dangling about. Not that it should matter if the battery is disconnected, but despite my apparent gung-ho-ness, I’m not ready to expire in a shower of sparks and a ball of flame, quite yet.

With that all connected up, and battery re-connected, it’s time for another wee test. Everything works!

The headlights are still pants compared to modern stuff, but they are less pants than they were before, because I’ve bypassed about 6 miles of wiring through all the witches. The more important point, though, is that the switches should last longer!

:: Sunday, September 28, 2014 ::

The weather’s been nice, so a wee group of us decided to have a wee run out today for chips.

This involves meeting up with Jim and Dave at Dave’s house, after a fuel stop (I’ve learned my lesson) and a look at the motorway bridge that got whacked by an excavator on the back of a low-loader recently, which removed a huge chunk of concrete deck, and put a massive dent in the bottom flange of the I-beam, which means they have had to shut the hard shoulder / bus lane of the motorway over the top. Expect another insurance premium hike next year.

Anyway, once Jim has finished his cigarette, we head off to meet John and Hugh at Kinross - after we cross the Forth Road Bridge we turn off the motorway and take the old road. After a wee chat session, we head off from there through Glenfarg towards Perth, where we encounter the first of several tractors lifting potatoes. Progress is slow, and not helped by the overtaking hesitancy displayed by half the population.

So it’s through Perth, up through Scone and onwards until John spots a wee tea-shop, so we stop for a wee bit of lunch. By this time, I’m convinced that my car’s clutch is knackered - it’s barely disengaging, so it’s hard to get reverse. Also, the gear lever seems to run out of movement before the reverse gear goes in - so maybe the gear linkage is worn as well. Still, we all get parked and enjoy our toasties and buns.

We set off again, through Coupar Angus and Forfar. This sis still fruit and veg growing country, so there are loads of potato tractors around, but somehow we manage to avoid them. Then it’s on towards Arbroath, where I end up following a Focus ST which slows down and teeters around every bend, but then bombs it along the straight bits so that you can’t get past before he crawls around the next series of bends.

We stop in the seafront in Arbroath, beside a line of interesting cars including a Humber Sceptre, Mark IV Cortina, and a couple of minis. Proper minis, not the Range-Rover-sized BMW things. The purpose of the stop is to discuss our tea-time destination - is it the world-famous award-winning fish and chip shop in Anstruther, with its queues out the door and nowhere to park? Or is it the one in the next fishing village, which is supposedly better (especially in recent years - I was at the Anstruther one a couple of years ago and it was, to use a local colloquialism, “bogging’”). We decide - next stop Pittenweem!

Back in the cars and off along the A92 towards Dundee, where we are accompanied by a girl in a Fiat 500, who is determined to show us that she can keep up along the dual carriageway through traffic. Aye, very good hen. Onwards over the Tay Bridge and through St Andrews, which is heaving with tourists and inconsiderate parkers. As we leave St Andrews we are behind a Vauxhall Insignia and a Toyota of some description, following a coach and a minibus. I start to plan how to pass the lot, if the two cars don’t pass the busses. My concern is alleviated somewhat when I realise that the two cars can’t keep up with the busses anyway. We’re doing about 40 on the straight bits and 35 on the bends. Then suddenly I am doing 60 on a straight bit and the two cars are behind me. Dawdling twats.

We arrive at the chip shop just as the man in front of us orders so much fish and chips, sausages and other stuff that we think he must be from the army base up the road. All is explained when it turns out that he only has 2 Americans in his sagging people carrier. Still, he’s cleared out all the stock that was already cooked, so we have to stand around and wait for some more to be ready.

It’s worth waiting for though - we walk down to the harbour and enjoy a superb fish supper. A local worthy wanders past and greets us with “Hi lads, nice night for dining out” in a broad Fife accent, and I say “Aye!”. So does Jim, but he then admits that he didn’t understand what he said! I’m still a Fifer at heart (and especially in the renowned “short arms and deep pockets” sense). Jim has sauce on chips though so he’s a bit common.

By this time is dark, so we set off for the final lap home. I am in front, and completely unable to see where I am going. As soon as somebody appears in the opposite direction, the light from my headlights just disappears.

It’s been a brilliant day, really enjoyable. I’ve got another couple of things on the “todo” list though - clutch and gear linkage!